- Consent is a fundamental component of comprehensive sexual education. The National Sex Education Standards (NSES) was originally published in 2012 by the Future of Sex Education Initiative and later revised in 2020. NSES was written to deliver a trauma-informed, age-appropriate curriculum to students to learn to navigate their changing bodies, relationships, and environment. Students are encouraged to acquire knowledge and practice healthy behaviors such as decision-making, goal-setting, advocacy, and analyzing external influences on their own behavior. Chicago Public Schools (CPS), along with many other school districts in the United States, has adopted the NSES as their standard for the CPS sexual education curriculum
- Sexual health education is not limited to discussions of sexual activity, it also includes building healthy interpersonal relationship building from a young age. According to the NSES, by the end of second grade, students should be able to:
- Define interpersonal consent, such as:
- Not touching someone when they don’t want to be touched
- Communicating when they don’t want to be touched
- Asking to share instead of taking items like toys or snacks
- Describe the characteristics of a friend
- Communicate their personal boundaries
- Show respect for others’ boundaries
- Identify healthy ways for friends to verbally or physically express feelings
Discussions of consent with young children should allow them to reflect on personal spaces, touch, and boundary setting. Conversation starters include:
- Discuss what personal space means. Everyone has a “bubble” around them that makes them feel safe. Some are small, while others may be very large. How large is their bubble? Do they notice other people with different sized bubbles? What would they do if someone popped their bubble (i.e. invade their personal space)? Have they ever popped someone else’s bubble before and what did they do?
- Reflect on different types of touch. Ask the children you work with what kinds of touch they do or do not like. Who gives the best hugs and why? Do they like giving hugs at all? How do they feel when playtime gets a bit rough with friends? When are some touches, like kissing or wrestling, okay?
- What to do when boundaries are crossed. It can be difficult for people, especially children, to process emotions when boundaries are crossed, or feelings are hurt. Practicing clear communication early on is crucial. Remind them that No and Stop are complete sentences regardless of age. Tell them that it is okay to step away if someone is making them uncomfortable.
- How to find help. Children should have a trusted adult they can talk to about uncomfortable feelings, whether it be a parent, teacher, family friend, or community leader. Talk to children about trusted adults in their lives. Who is an adult in their life that you trust, and why? Do they know anyone at school they could talk to about uncomfortable situations? Remind them that going to an adult for help is not tattling
Consent is also taught through
casual conversation and behavioral modeling. Show young children what consent looks like by:
- Asking for physical touch, such as hugs and kisses – “Can I give you a hug?”
- Reminding them it is okay to not want physical touch from someone – “It’s okay if you don’t feel like hugging right now.”
- Allowing them to make decisions on their own – “Do you want help with what you’re doing?”
- Encouraging them to model consent with friends and peers – “Remember to ask first before taking a toy from someone.”
Teaching consent to young children is no easy feat. Children are learning about their environment, social expectations, and other rules on top of learning about how to listen to their minds and bodies. Different families have different definitions and cultural expectations that dictate ‘proper’ behavior for children of certain ages, so it is important to have nuanced discussions about politeness. Begin with strategies such as:
- No wrong options. Baby steps! Encourage structured decision making with young children by providing opportunities for decision making where there is no wrong option.
- “It’s cold out today. Do you want to wear your red or blue jacket?”
- “After homework is done, do you want to go outside or do a puzzle?”
- Scaffolded decision-making. Once children are comfortable making choices on their own, slowly introduce them to nuanced decisions. Sometimes some choices are better than others and other times we need to compromise. Encourage children to gather information and think about points such as:
- What decisions do I need to make?
- What are all my options?
- How will my choice impact others?
- How does my decision make me feel?
- What does my gut tell me?
- How does this relate to consent? Scaffolded decision-making empowers children to make decisions that are best for themselves while considering the needs of others and familial or cultural expectations. This is not to encourage children to forego their boundaries for the sake of others. Let’s explore scaffolded decision-making with an example.
- Grandma loves hugs. Jeremy, however, doesn’t like long or tight embraces. It’s time to go home, though, and Grandma is excited to send Jeremy off with love.
- What decision does Jeremy need to make? Jeremy needs to choose if he will hug Grandma, not hug Grandma, or find another option to say goodbye.
- What are all of Jeremy’s options? Jeremy can give Grandma a hug. Maybe he can yell “No!” and hide in the car. Yelling is always an option. Or maybe he can offer another way to acknowledge her and say goodbye.
- How will his choice impact others? Hugs make Jeremy extremely uncomfortable. Yelling, screaming, or storming off will seem rude and can hurt her feelings, too.
- How does Jeremy’s decision make him feel? Jeremy is nervous. He wants to say goodbye and show Grandma affection, but he can’t force himself to be comfortable with hugging either.
- What does his gut tell him? He knows he doesn’t want to hug. Maybe Jeremy can give Grandma some no wrong options, like a high five or wave, that acknowledges both his grandma’s wants and his boundaries.
- Backing up young children’s decisions. Children can make well thought out decisions and sometimes adults still won’t support them – but you can. Try to preface expectations with other adults beforehand and back your child up if the child refuses something like a hug and the adult expresses disappointment. Remind other adults that children refusing hugs or other affection is usually a power struggle rather than a genuine expression of dislike. Young children don’t have control over so many things in their lives. Sometimes they reflexively defy a request just because they can.
- “Grandma, I need you to hear that Johnny is telling you he’s not feeling like a hug today. Johnny, how would you like to say goodbye to Grandma- how about a high five or a wave?”
- Some decisions aren’t for children. All that’s to say, kids don’t get to make certain decisions regarding their health and safety. Caregivers of all types – parents, teachers, nurses, and so on – will need to make decisions in the best interest of the child. This is a unique challenge in teaching consent to young kids. Remind them that it’s your responsibility as their caregiver to keep them safe. It’s okay to have to try a variety of approaches to convey this to them.
- “I hear you telling me that you don’t want to get in your car seat. It’s my job to keep you safe. I can’t let you be in a car without being buckled in. Can you do your chest buckle, or would you like me to do it?”
Teaching consent is an ongoing, complex conversation. It’s okay to take a breath and try another approach. You know what is best for the child you’re working with. If you need additional guidance and examples, more resources are listed below.
